In July, I shared my story about how attempting something difficult—physically, mentally, emotionally—prepared me for being a leader of conscience today. In turn, I asked our AoCC community to share their own stories and inspiration with us all. Many thanks to the brave souls who stepped up in this 8-part series!
Jessica Holden Quetua
My poems draw from my place as both a mother and hospital chaplain—where I hear many stories from many kinds of people, and am blessed and challenged with many opportunities for compassion.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: …a time to love, and a time to hate…” — (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 8b)
I Wanted to Hate You
…But You bite Your nails just like my neighbor does…
And she brought us that nourishing meatloaf
A few days after I gave birth to daughter #2, when a roaring lion lived in my stomach,
And her tiny mouth binged day in and day out on my milk…
I Wanted to Hate You, too
But You have time on your hands now,
Just like my Patient in Room 432
Who spent a career passing laws (many of which I’m sure I hated) in state office
But found in the emptiness of his hospital nights,
the ghost of his late alcoholic, suicidal son–
I Wanted to Hate You, too
But You had that same far off look,
Like the one in my Patient’s eyes, sitting on the edge of his bed,
In Rm. 439
Sighing, shaking his head, as he said, “I dedicated my life to the police force, and now, …We’re the bad guys…”
I Wanted to Hate You, too
But your voice turns soft when you speak of your cat,
How she sleeps on your bed, like mine does
Your alarm clock both fur and purr; mine is too.
And how at her end You cleaned up cat vomit and poop,–
Only thinking of her.
And I Wanted to Hate You
but You remind me of my story-telling Uncle,
On our family homestead in the Wisconsin corn,
When he moves on to the gist of his story and reports:
“And, I says,.. I says to him, that old hay baler’s worth more to me than you could pay in any
auction…”
And You say, “I says” just like He does.
I Wanted to Hate You
But You remind me of my Daughter’s Teacher in Preschool,
Your earnestness is her earnestness
When she stated her church’s dogma.
But her smile and greeting welcomed My Girl to school every day For two years in that precious age, and church dogma or no, My Girl loved her Teacher.
And I Wanted to Hate You too, Another You, But You kiss your two year old the way I do,
Her fleshy, chubby cheeks, with gritted teeth,
Because she’s so cute You want to eat her,…but don’t,… but won’t.
And so,
I won’t,
…hate You.
For the time to hate has passed.
I Wanted to Love You…and So I Did…
I wanted to love You, because you lick your lips like my best friend from high school.
When you’re intent, focused, trying to get the words out,
You pucker your Lips,
And give them a good one-over with your tongue
Just like my friend.
I only met you an hour ago, my new friend.
but you Lick your lips like my old friend:
Same-like Lips, Same-like licking,
Same hair color,
Different skin.
Same Lips.
Same Lips, same licking, same something…same anything…can power the Chain
Reaction, the Chain Causation, the Chain Migration,
Of Love.
And so, I Wanted to Love You. For the Time to Love is Now,
And So I Did. And So I Do.
Jessica Holden Quetua, Fall, 2018
Let’s create a more compassionate world together now–open this week’s Americans of Conscience Checklist here.